I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize