My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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