I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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