Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
