Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
