This is not my ceiling
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Damn victory sex feels great
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
