Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
