I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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