He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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