happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woke up backwards on a recliner
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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