I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
