put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
