Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize