I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
