Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
