just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You did what with his pubic hair?
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