I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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