If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
