And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
