Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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