tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
