I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
