8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
