dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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