Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
