i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
