R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
