I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
