dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
