You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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