Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
