she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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