so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
