did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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