Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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