happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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