I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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