That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
