Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
