I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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