As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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