When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
