Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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