Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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