I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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