i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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