Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize