Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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