I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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