that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
