The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
