New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
