You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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