so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize