i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize