i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
there's paper in my vomit.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
