then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
