I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
