I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
